Karius and Associates Blog

I’ve written a full school bullying prevention and intervention program that has been sitting on my shelf as we’re not actively using or promoting right now. What bothers me about htat, is that there is a great definition of bullying that goes with it. The defnition was written by Ken Rigby in Australia, and I’ve expannded on it somewhat.

I’ve decided to release this information for public use in hopes that school employees, parents and children will find it valuable. It can be found at

http://knol.google.com/k/kelly-karius/a-bullying-definition-and-incident-form/16k9f1721y7l1/3#

Please do return to the blog and let me know what you think!

Kelly

Bill of Rights and Responsibilities  

 The basis of assertive communication is believing in Every Person’s Bill of Rights and Responsibilities. 

1. You have the right to be treated with respect. You have the responsibility to ask for respect, to respect other in return, and to respect yourself. 

2.  You have the right to have and express your own opinions and feelings. You have the responsibility to do that respectfully and to take responsibility for owning your feelings and opinions. 

4. You have the right to set your own priorities. You have the responsibility to take the time and effort to follow through.  

6. You have the right to ask for what you want knowing that others have the right to say “No”. 

8. You have the right to make mistakes. You have the responsibility to accept that you don’t have to be perfect and the responsibilty to learn from your mistakes. 

10. You have the right to not know the answer. You have the responsibility to accept that you don’t have to know everything and can research the answer. 

12. You have the right to choose not to assert yourself. You have the responsibility to accept the effects of not asserting yourself and feel okay about it. 

I am putting forward an invitation from Margit Selvey to participate in in an academic study on the factors which influence how companies work with external consultants. Margit is a postgraduate student at Aston University in Birmingham, England who is seeking potential participants who have had positive and negative experiences working with external consultants.

She summarizes her project as follows:

“Public and private organisations spend billions annually on external consulting services. Even with this commitment of funds, some find they are unable to effectively use the information yielded or implement the recommendations. At the same time, others find the experience tremendously valuable, the results and information gleaned from employing the external consultant are put into practice and viewed as gold. Why such a dichotomy? The quest to find the answer is the focus of this study and my Master’s dissertation.

The participants should be directors, human resources professionals or anyone within the organisation who is or has been in either a decision-making or advisory role for the selection, evaluation, authorisation and/or commitment of budget towards external consultancy services.

The extent of the participation is a voluntary questionnaire about your experience working with external consultants in your organisation which should take no more than 10 minutes to complete. The questionnaire is completely confidential with no personal data asked for or retained within the questionnaire itself.

In exchange for participation, respondents are eligible to receive a free report containing the results of the study along with recommendations based on research for how organisations can effectively evaluate, choose and maximise the value of external consultants.

Studies like these help contribute to understanding for how to maximise the value, and improve the dynamics, of external consulting relationships. The significance of these relationships is ever-increasing with the continuous fluctuations in economies and changing marketplace. Your participation does make a difference!”

The questionnaire is online at:

http://www.survey.bris.ac.uk/aston/consult

She thanks anyone who takes part in advance! Isn’t it wonderful that the internet can be used to gather information from around the world. Communication abounds!

Of course we all have our limits, but how can you possibly
find your boundaries unless you explore as far and as wide
as you possibly can?

I would rather fail in an attempt at something new and uncharted
than safely succeed in a repeat of something I have done.

~ A. E. Hotchner

Thanks Bob, for sending me this quote today. It’s very timely for me as I venture into the uncharted waters of having this group, and the other changes I am facilitating in the business.

Reaching our goals and the way we think seems to be a focus for me this week, and somehow especially today.

I wanted to let you all know about a great book “Mind Over Mood: Changing the Way You Feel by Changing the Way You Think”.

The book is really about managing depression and anxiety, but I’ve found that the ideas apply greatly to just everyday real life. The main tool it teaches is the Thought Record - teaching you to grab the thought and examine it, rather than avoiding it. What’s true about the negative thought you are having? What’s not true? What is a different way to think about the thought?
The following is an excerpt from my book, that gives an example of a thought record and how it works. If anyone wants another example, please let me know. I’m only put one in this posting because it’s going to be kind of long. (Let me clarify in advance that Bob Lenthart is not Bob the Knob - oh sad poor choice of words - in prior parts of the book you learn where his terrible nickname has come from. Sorry Bob!)

Thought Records
What was going through your mind just before you started feeling this way? Mind Over Mood
Doing a thought record is the move from noticing automatic thoughts to examining them for their truth. When you are experiencing uncomfortable emotions, a thought record encourages you to identify automatic thoughts, and to evaluate the truth of these thoughts.
The best explanation for this is to simply do it. We will look at a couple of examples.
Back to “Bob the Knob” as he is so fondly (or jokingly) known around the office. Robert has decided it’s time to take fate into his own hands. He has decided he is going to change his communication style. He has been learning to be more assertive, but finds he is still passive at work. He can’t possibly take on any more work, and has decided to speak to the managing supervisor about his workload. He is feeling very anxious about using the new assertive beliefs and skills that he has acquired. He is beginning to feel like it is best if he just leaves the situation alone, but he knows that if he does, he will be going back to his passive communication style, and will remain unhappy and overworked. He feels anxious about approaching his manager, but unhappy with the idea of the situation staying the same. He decides to do a thought record to clarify his thinking.
Robert’s Thought Record
Situation
Thinking about talking with my manager about my workload
Emotions
Nervous, worried, anxious
Automatic Thoughts
My manager will be angry with me for bringing this up.
I’ll never be able to approach him.
I’m a big loser.
Robert picks the automatic thought that has the most emotional pull for him. He feels strongly that his manager will be angry with him. This thought causes him great emotional anxiety. This is the thought that Robert will choose to focus on for the rest of the thought record.
Information supporting the automatic thought,
“My manager will be angry with me for bringing this up.”
I’ve never approached him like this before and don’t know what to expect. He might be mad.
If I cut down my workload he’ll have to assign the work to someone else. That might cause him to be angry.
Information that does not support the automatic thought,
“My manager will be angry with me for bringing this up.”
I’ve never approached him like this before and don’t know what to expect. He might not be mad.
Others have approached him about their workload and he has not been angry.
I’ve always done a lot of work around here and done it well. My manager has told me before that he values my work.
My manager tends to be understanding of people’s personal situations. If I remind him of our new baby at home, he may understand.
I’ve been learning to be more assertive and I think I will be able to talk about this in a way that is respectful to both of us.
He has shown respect to others who have voiced their concerns.

A more balanced thought
When I approach my manager about my workload, he may react strongly because I’ve never approached him before. He may also not be angry at all. Because he has been respectful and understanding of other employees, I can believe that he will be respectful and understanding of this situation as well. I’ve also learned new speaking skills that will help the situation along.

This can be repeated with the other automatic thoughts if they are also attached to strong emotions. This can also be repeated in many different situations. People often have the same repeated automatic messages. Thought reruns. If thought records are written down, they can be re-used. When the thought rerun happens, the already written thought record can serve as a quick reminder of a more balanced way to think about the situation, or the thought.

(From This is Out of Control!¡ A Practical Guide to Managing Life’s Conflicts by Kelly Karius)