This course was presented on twitter as a #microcourse. I hope you find it helpful!

• This course is presented to you by Kelly Karius http://kariusandassociates.com

• So why do I think I have some things I can teach you about evaluating relationships?

• I’ve had a couple or three relationships myself. I’ve managed some much better than others. I’ve taught courses in managing divorce for 8 years.

• I’ve been a counselor for 10 years. With both personal experience and professional experience comes my basis for teaching.

• So…you think you’re in a bad relationship and you’re thinking about leaving?

• Ask yourself some questions – and answer them honestly, else there’s no point in asking them.

• Are there more good moments than bad in your relationship? Do the bad moments extend into bad DAYS?

• A true evaluation of the stresses and difficulties we are experiencing can make things come clearer.

• It is important to understand that bad moments are okay and can lead to relationship growth.

• When bad moments become bad days it means there is much emotional baggage clouding the solutions.

• Next question: How do YOU contribute to the bad days that you experience in your relationship?

• It’s easy to point your finger at what your partner has done wrong. It’s not so easy to take a good look at yourself.

• Do you nag? Do you shut down? Do you put up walls? Do you mistrust that anything is ever going to change?

• Nagging, yelling, walking away…all those behaviors lead to a relationship being NOT VERY MUCH FUN.

• Having a relationship isn’t all about fun, but most often we get a little too serious – and we create cycles that seem to take on a life of their own.

• Self examination to check – have I really done everything I can to improve this relationship?

• Remember that other people’s behaviors tend to change when we change our own reactions. We change, they change.

• Next Question: Do both of you want to improve the relationship? Do you both want to see change? Does the change need both people’s support?

• A large relationship makeover can be difficult if only one person wants to be involved in the change.

• Next Question: Does fear rule when you think about improving your relationship with your partner?

• Often we stay in the same box, because we’re too afraid to step out of it. What if what we do doesn’t work?

• Elvis Costello has a song called “This is Hell.” This is hell – it never gets better, it never gets worse. A neutral relationship can be like that.

• Next Question: Have you been truly open with your partner about your feelings, your dreams, your hopes?

• Conflict can lead to unjustified beliefs. Believing, for example, that your partner isn’t interested in what you have to say.

• Often the desire not to talk truly openly is within you, not within the other person. Again, the fears.

• Next Question: Do your children see you arguing in unhealthy ways? Not to say children shouldn’t see parents arguing…but unhealthy arguing, is hard on them.

• Children will do well in any circumstance as long as the conflict around them is minimized.

• Next Question: Do you ‘set up’ arguments with your partner?

• Sometimes people will actually HOPE their partner does something wrong…it proves the belief that you are right…and he or she is not.

• Remember that we see what we already believe. If we believe someone’s going to be a jerk, we see it before it even happens!

• Evaluate your own beliefs with the reality around you when making decisions about the future of a relationship.

• There are no hard and fast answers about staying in a relationship or getting out. Your answers and choices must fit for you.

• If you decide to stay in the relationship, make sure you place the focus on change on yourself, instead of on your partner.

• The best way to change someone else’s behavior is to change your own anyway. Think about what YOU need. Act in ways that help you get that.

• Get professional assistance in talking to one another – and know that 95% of change happens at home, not in the counsellor’s office.

• If you decide to leave your relationship, don’t make the mistake of keeping the conflict going. Focus on yourself and your own reactions.

• An online seminar addressing gracious divorce is being presenting on January 29 at 1:00 p.m. CST (Saskatchewan Time) “Managing the New Normal”

• This course was sponsored by http://kariusandassociates.com/ – specializing in getting conflict under control.