I’m so pleased to have been asked to join the team at Sweeten Your Words as part of their editorial staff.

Thanks for the opportunity Lee and Rena!

Keep checking back…We’ll soon have an appearance from G.C.

Feel free to throw in a guess at what celebrity that might be!

NOTE:  Sweeten Your Words donates a generous portion of their advertising and sales proceeds to a charity, currently the Megan Meier Foundation. Check it out and let your Christmas shopping dollars do some good in the fight against bullying.

The sultry voiced Sheila Coles spoke with me today on The Morning Show, CBC Saskatchewan. First of all, I really like Sheila Coles, I’ve listened to her for years. Even living in Alberta I often listen to CBC through the verge of losing the station static.  Other favorites…The Debaters (All Hail Deborah Kimmet – little plug to get you here reading, Deborah, I bet you also love CBC), As It Happens, and well, of course the news.

So it was a total honor to me that Sheila was interested enough in what I had to say about The No Such Thing as a Bully Program to have me on air. But five minutes is never long enough to say what you want to say…just ask The Debaters…and so, I will write some other thoughts here.

The No Such Thing as a Bully Program is just one tine in a fork with many tines in the battle of bullying.

Some will say that the solution lies in legislation for schools and communities and in better awareness to schools of the effects. That’s one of the tines, and it’s being taken care of by good people like Kevin Epling ( http://mattepling.com http://bullypolice.org )and others who are lobbying for legislation change and laws that make using bully actions a crime in the same way that assault is a crime, and that provide guidelines to assist schools.

Some will say that the solution lies in awareness of the issue. That’s also one of the tines, and it’s being taken care of  by good people like Kirk and Laura Smalley (http://standforthesilent.com) and others who organize awareness events in the names of their children who have died from bullycide.

Some will say that the problem lies with parenting. That’s one of the tines, and in order to resolve it, we all need to be on the same side. Blaming parents whose children are using bully actions alienates them from working towards solutions and forces them to protect themselves, their children and their families. They become defensive and block out solutions. This tine is addressed by the No Such Thing as a Bully program, which provides techniques for parents to work with their children to eliminate the use of bully actions, victim responses and to strengthen bystander behavior. Dr. Dan  Dana (http://www.mediationworks.com/dmi/biodan.htm ) would say “We need to move these people from “me against you, to us against the problem”. When we give bullying a solid definition and we can begin to name actions that are bully actions we create a problem definition that becomes solvable.  Children who are using bully actions and children who are experiencing bully actions all need the same skills to grow.

Some will say the schools don’t care, and that they are set up to preserve the classic cliques, and the bullying that goes along with those cliques. I’m not going to disagree. It does sometimes seem that way, and sometimes it is that way, but for the most part, schools are just as overwhelmed by the issue as everyone else is. They haven’t been provided with an affordable, cohesive, transparent, manageable, usable program that teaches children directly,  can be implemented in the school quickly and doesn’t require extra training. The No Such Thing as a Bully Program takes care of this tine.  ( http://nosuchthingasabully.com )

Imagine using only one of these tines without acknowledging the need for the others. We would be punishing without teaching parents, children’s or schools how to handle the situations. Or we would be talking about the suicide of other children, without giving our living children the tools they need to get through (and THAT combination is a recipe for disaster).  Or we might be placing total blame and expectation for a cure on parents (Who, by the way, sometimes protect their children when their children need to deal with consequences). Or we might be placing total blame and expectation for a cure on the school and teacher, (Who…despite being in loco parentis cannot do everything. Imagine if you had 30 children – and each child had their own spokesperson).

WE NEED ALL OF THE TINES. And I truly believe we need to change the language. Let’s stop calling kids bullies.  Or if you think it’s okay to call a kid a bully, then think about if it’s okay to call him stupid, or lazy, or a loser. It’s not. I promise you.

There may be more tines, and if you know what they are, please please leave a comment. I’ll be watching for it.

I took the No Such Thing as a Bully Program on a test run in some schools, and I learned a thing or two along the way. These weren’t all exactly things I didn’t know before, but tell ya’ what…the test run sure confirmed a lot of my thinking about what we’re presenting here.

For those of you that don’t know, The No Such Thing as a Bully Program battles the bullying issue by changing the language and providing solid skills and solid definitions for bullying prevention efforts.

We don’t use the words bully or victim in our program. Not as labels anyway. You wouldn’t call a child stupid, so why would you call him a bully. We replace this with bully actions – which can be definied and victim responses, which can be felt and defined.

So when the 7 year old boy stood straight up out of his chair and challenged my definitions…I had to challenge my thoughts.

“I AM A BULLY.”  He said.
“You are a kid that has used bully actions.” I said.
“Nope. I AM A BULLY.” He said.
“Well then”, I said, “I am going to try to help you.”

7 years old, and this kid already sees “I AM A BULLY” as a part of his character. We’re not really supposed to think anything  firm about ourselves when we’re 7. Other than knowing that we are smart and strong and awesome and capable.

And so I shout…. WE NEED TO CHANGE THE LANGUAGE! THE LANGUAGE IS HARMFUL, CYCLICAL AND DOES NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM!

Here’s another thing I learned. If you’re going to talk about bullying, you’re going to talk about suicidal thoughts. And talking about them does not have to make things worse. In fact, when children learn that almost everyone in the world has had those thoughts, and when they understand while they are alive, the value that they have – even if they don’t know they have it yet – they can survive to become what they are intended to be…WHO they are intended to be.

And here’s another thing I learned. Contrary to what might be believed, Schools, school staff and parents of children using bully actions do want help in making a change. They just need a solid format and program to do that with.

For more information about the newly released No Such Thing as a Bully Program, click http://nosuchthingasabully.com

Wow. This has the potential to be one of the most closely examined situations of bullying in our current times.

Who is the hero here? Casey Heynis, of course. Who is the villain? Ritchard Gale, of course. Easy peazy.

Or is it? Casey says he’s been bullied for forever. Called fatty, hit, duct taped to a pole. Ritchard says he was provoked, that he’d been bullied by Casey…in fact he’s been bullied in a variety of ways for a long time as well.

I’m weighing in.

Casey is not a hero. He is a child. A young man who became frustrated and couldn’t take it anymore. His story is classic. One kid bullies him. All his friends ditch him. He becomes more and more isolated, and more and more targeted. He’s not a violent kid. He was lonely, and he was an easy target. He couldn’t explain the severity of what was happening to his parents. Casey contemplated suicide. He survived with the support of his sister. But it takes more than one person to protect another, and the bully actions towards him continued. In this totally viral video, Casey snaps. No one can blame him.

Ritchard is not a villain. He is a child. A young man who is pulled in several directions by several influences. His story is classic. He has likely received inconsistent parenting (this is not a judgment on his single father – most of our society suffers from inconsistent parenting), he receives some acceptance from his peer group, who are egging him on in the bully actions, he likely HAS been bullied in a variety of ways, and he might not be prepared to sacrifice his status in his peer group – and put himself in a vulnerable position. I imagine that he has conversations about the incident that are extremely inconsistent, depending on with whom he is speaking. He is completely confused. and now HE is being bullied by the whole world. Shame on us.

Who’s fault is all this? THE ADULTS FAULT. It is our fault. It is every adult’s fault for not paying enough attention. For not noticing clearly what is happening, often right in front of our faces. For not providing better solutions for either child – ALL CHILDREN – in their bullying situations. We don’t bother to figure out what kids need. We make them heroes, we put them on pedestals, we vilify them, we judge them, we label them. But are we helping them?

Here is a stark comment on one of the you tube videos that would say we’re not: You fuckin useless adults didnt do shit so shut the fuck up. That faggot deserved to be pile drived.

And you know what…sounds like this person is right. Doesn’t seem like we’ve done shit.

THESE ARE CHILDREN. Ritchard is not a villian. Ritchard certainly does not deserve to be exposed to the litany of negativity that we’ve surrounded him with.

* a true hero, hopefully richard gale will kill himself

* he should have kept beating him while he was on the ground

* Fuck him an his homeless looking dad he can go suck a dick

* fuck that little skinny bastard, what the fuck kind of 12 year old would get a peircing, he was to be a big man thats what happens you little bastard!! little buck tooth fuck!!! cry me a river

Ritchard needs to be given the opportunity to examine his emotions, learn skills about understanding other people, understanding himself and communicating. Is he sorry? Much has been made of the fact that he answered no, looked over at his father and answered yes. How is he even supposed to know? His peers probably influence him not to be. He’s embarrassed, he feels foolish, when he talks to his mom he cries. Does he even know why he does what he does or how he feels? I would want to ask some questions. Yes. The kid needs help – but what’s all the judging about? Don’t the majority of our kids need some king of help? *Snap! Majority society awaken! The answer to that question is yes.

THESE ARE CHILDREN! Casey is not a hero. In fact, we might be setting Casey up for a big fall.

* i wish i could have done that in middle school. Your awesome dude.

* GOOO CASEY!!!! YOU’RE AN AMAZING HERO!!!

* Casey you a hero to those who were bullyed at school. Your people champion!!!

* casey he’s really a smart kid the things he says are very humble, good job casey great interview

Casey’s needs to be given the opportunity to learn the same skills. He needs to learn to communicate assertively, to very quickly stand up for himself verbally in order to keep from getting to the point where he explodes once again. Understand, we all love Casey, right? But is the world ready to provide him (or the next “victim”) with the lifelong support they will need if the other person happens to be killed and they are charged? *Snap! Majority society awaken! The answer to that question is no. If that had happened, Casey still might be made a hero….but he likely wouldn’t be smiling so wide. Support on facebook when you’re in jail only goes so far.

I have some other questions. Who is doing the video taping? Who is egging this Ritchard on during the video? Why aren’t any questions being asked about the role of the bystanders? Do I seem angry? Yeah? That’s because I kind of am. But I’m also hopeful…because these young men talking about their experience has the potential to help us all…if we use it properly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzFPkCqRaI0&feature=player_embedded http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPs7a5upvCQ

After note: I haven’t even addressed the language in the youtube comments. Again, I say, shame on us.

We’re working on addressing this, over at http://bullyoutreachproject.com and on facebook at http://artist.to/stake-out/

Today’s post is to give everyone a reminder to be thoughtful and mindful about their lives!

If you’ve spent time this week being bitter because you’ve helped others and now they’re not helping you…You may be too nice.

(Make darn sure that others KNOW what you need when you need it.)

If you find it hard to tell someone who is disrespecting you that you WILL NOT be treated that way…You may be too nice.

(Learn ways to be assertive in your approach to other people.)

If you have seen someone else been mistreated and haven’t been able to speak up to stop it…You may be too nice.

(Learn about the effects of bystanders on bullying situations. Knowing the dynamics helps you to change them.)

If you have told your children or others that they just need to “be nice”… You may be too nice.

(Being nice is awesome. It is not a comprehensive solution for changing the world)

SO…this week, I encourage you to get out there and get nasty. When you see something going wrong, when you see someone being disrespected…step in. Show people that you care. You might change a life and not even know it.

And if you’ve got a moment…surf around http://bullyoureachproject and check what we’re doing there. Also join us on facebook! http://artist.to/stakeout/

I spent 17 years of my life not eating ham and pineapple pizza. It’s my favorite kind of pizza.

WHY? Did someone tell me not to? Nope. Was I forbidden from ordering what I wanted from the restaurant? Nope.

It was simple. No one else in the house liked it as much as me. When I’d ask…what kind of pizza do you want…no one else said ham and pineapple. So I didn’t order it, opting instead to please everyone around me. One morning I woke up, and realized….I haven’t had ham and pineapple pizza for 17 years. So I ordered it.

The ham and pineapple pizza wasn’t really the problem. The problem was that I wasn’t acting assertively enough to recognize that I didn’t always have to please those around me. That sometimes I can focus on what I need.

Fast forward to a few years later…I’m in the grocery store and my life love picks up a couple of pizzas. Meat lovers, and cheeseburger. There’s a ham and pineapple pizza sitting right beside them. He didn’t pick it up…and my thoughts start rolling…”What!? He KNOWS it’s my favorite kind! Why wouldn’t he pick it up…” Destructive thought patterns that are unnecessary.

Why? BECAUSE I CAN PICK UP MY OWN DAMN PIZZA AND PUT IT IN THE CART!!!!

It was awesome. And when I was done eating, and the others started picking at it….I hid the rest. Because it’s okay to do things that might be considered selfish sometimes.

We all have the ability to get what we need. We must just assert ourselves.

The days are at their shortest, the sun often hidden behind layers of thin white clouds.  It’s not easy to jump out of bed, clapping your hands and shouting “THIS is gonnna be a great day!”. Some days you leave early and get home late, and don’t even get a glimpse of the lay of the daytime land. Even if you are outside…it’s just not the same. “I can’t wait for my whole body to be warm again all at the same time…”, you say.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)  can be experienced in the winter months, or in people who spend the majority of their time inside year round. The symptoms of SAD include a lack of energy, increased need for sleep, depression, carbohydrate cravings and weight gain.

Seasonal Affective Disorder generally lifts in the springtime, and may be followed by a period of mild or extreme manic behavior. At times this may result in a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder (formerly known as manic depressive illness).

What  happens to our bodies as the sun spends less time in the sky? It is theorized that  when the sun shines on us, we send out a signal to secrete less melantonin. In other words, when the sun is not shining on us, we produce more melantonin. It appears that when our bodies are creating too much melantonin, sleepiness and lack of energy can result. Light therapy may  be used to get light through the retina to the parts of  the brain that signal for less melantonin production. In SAD, as in non-seasonal depression, the hormone serotonin may also develop difficulties reaching the necessary parts of the brain. An anti-depressant, called an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) may be used to assist the serotonin in reaching it’s goal, the brain’s suprachiasmatic nucleus.
Cognitive therapy can be beneficial to help a depressed person look at patterns of thinking that may reinforce the depression and help to create negative moods. Therapy can also identify difficulties in relationships and how the depressive symptoms can continue to create negative patterns. Therapy can explore ways of  preventing these negative patterns.  Many individuals will experience a certain amount of energy differences based on the seasons. If you are aware of your own patterns, you can be prepared for them,  working with your own cycles to plan projects or other activities.

Therapies for SAD include:

• Spending one hour each day in exercise
• Maintaining a balanced diet
• Cognitive Therapy
• Using positive activities and friendships to increase the natural serotonin level in your body
• Anti-depressant medication therapies

While an individual may have full blown SAD, there are also many people out there with milder ‘winter blues’. Winter blues may take a person right through Christmas. Even if someone is not dealing with a drastic mood change, Christmas can be a difficult time.
Christmas ideals are splashed across the movie theater and television screens. Every story has a happy ending. Every child’s wish comes true. Christmas expectations can be built up to a point where a person can be disappointed. Losses have been experienced, and the Christmas joy seen in others can translate to Christmas devastation in yourself.

“Why isn’t Christmas for me the way it is supposed to be?” People may need to be away from friends or family. They may have few people to share the Christmas season with, or may feel like a “hanger-on”, someone who doesn’t really belong at the celebration they attend. They may be experiencing the grief that accompanies the loss of a loved one, or a recent divorce. Christmas time may be spent with a family that is experiencing difficulty. If a family or an individual is experiencing conflict, Christmas can seem like a stress rather than a celebration.

In the midst of this depression and stress a depressed person hears Christmas caroling and Merry Christmasing all over. Everyone seems to be happily celebrating their Miracle on 34th Street, and  the person with depression either curls up, or plays happily along, pretending that everything is all right. The next time you feel like snapping at the shopper next to you, or the shopper snaps back, wonder if you, or they, might have the Christmas blues.

Tips to beat the season’s blues include the following:
* Remember that your family is a real family, not a TV family. If there are typically squabbles and fights, too much drinking or unkind words in your family, it is likely that the same will happen at Christmas. Don’t expect your family to change just because it is Christmas day. These things don’t have to ruin the holiday. You can’t control the actions of others, but you can control how you choose to react to those actions.
* Take this year as a chance to learn tolerance and forgiveness of your family.
* If you need to, take a time out with a spouse or a friend to vent frustrations.
* Remember that things will go wrong. Children will get dirty, and turkeys might burn.
* You don’t have to do everything that is asked of you. Know that you can assert yourself and say no.
* If you can’t be with someone special, be creative. Send cookies, or a video tape, or make arrangements to be together on a different day to celebrate Christmas.
* Don’t judge gifts by financial value, judge them by thoughtfulness value.

The therapies for SAD, mild seasonal depression, as well as the Christmas blues are similar. Cognitive therapy (thinking about the way you are thinking), regular exercise and a balanced diet can help alleviate the symptoms of any type of depression. In some religions the color blue, as in “winter blues”, or “blue Christmas”, symbolizes hope.  Keep hoping, spring is around the corner, it’s just that sometimes the block you’re walking seems so long. Pursue positives. It makes a bad walk go more quickly.

It was Blue Shirt Day today…an idea formed by STOMP OUT BULLYING. You can join their facebook page Stomp Out Bullying, here. You can join our project, the 24 Hour Online Bully Stakeout, here.

I had some things to do in Regina today, take my mom for an appointment, pick up reeds for the clarinet that I started playing two weeks ago, buy some underwear. You know, stuff.

In some inspired idea half an hour before I was to pick up my mom, it hit me. Why am I just wearing this blue shirt? Who’s going to ask about my shirt.  It’s not even a nice shirt.  It’s just the only blue shirt I have. It’s not really my colour. And sometimes I’m not a great planner!

So I pinned my shirt full of the “No Such Thing as a Bully” pins, that have this Karius and Associates website on them, and directed them here.  I pinned sheets of paper on my shirt, most unattractively, I must confess…but attention grabbing definitely. The one on my back said “IT’S BLUE SHIRT DAY! STOMP OUT BULLYING” and the one on my front gave a website. It’s a really ugly shirt anyway. Might as well cover it up. But it was blue.

I picked up my mom and I asked her if she was embarassable. Nope. She’s embarassless. (yes. those are made up words.) In any case, she was happy to go along with me! Her pink shirt for breast cancer survivors and my blue shirt for STOMP OUT BULLYING. Her shirt was nicer. But mine was more noticeable. Glory be! You have no idea how much I love my mom. She’s fantastic.

It started as soon as we got out of the car.  “Hey sir! It’s blue shirt day…a day where a blue shirt is worn to spread awareness of bullying prevention! Have a button!” He was thrilled!

It continued into the hospital! People staring at my shirt. Staring. It was the most awesome thing. The approach was an absolute piece of cake.  To start with, I chose people with blue shirts to approach (as well as the obvious starers)…here’s a button! Soon, I was approaching everyone. A fantastic man became extremely excited in the coffee shop of the hospital, holding up his button and saying  “I got a free button!” With honest a goodness joy! 30 buttons dropped in the coffee shop right there.

I met these kind folks outside the hospital. Blessings to them all! Hospital gowns be darned. Bullying is an important issue.

Hospital gowns be darned. Bullying is an important issue

It continued in the Long and McQuade music store. We even made a pit stop at the legislature building – and gave buttons to the security guard. I dunno why…she wouldn’t let me into the main part. (See picture) But I hope she’ll read this, cause I thought her and the maintenance engineer were both very nice. On to the Golden Mile Shopping Centre mall (yes. Even the parking lot.  Thanks for the big wave when you left in your truck, kind sir!) and into Elizabeth’s (that one’s just for the ladies). 200 buttons later…Thank you to everyone that I met…the support for addressing issues of bullying is overwhelming.

And now we’ve got a team! And we’re going to make a plan and do it bigger and better! Yay Tanya! Yay Carrie! You guys rock!

Did I approach you today? Leave a comment! What did you think!? Awkward? or great!? Hey….are you one of the two people who refused buttons reading this…oh, of course not, you don’t have the website!

Blessings everyone! Please please join us at the Online 24 Hour Stakeout Page!

The 24-Hour Bully Stake-Out Facebook Page, serving as HQ
The 24-Hour Bully Stake-Out explained

What we’re going to do, is post something relating to bullying every 5 minutes for 24 hours from Nov 9, 12:00 a.m. (central time) to Nov 10, 12:00 a.m. We’re gathering that information from everywhere right now. it includes, resources, Facebook pages, people’s stories, poems, original music, original writings, previously written articles, anything that we all deem useful.

Have a look at the wall, you won’t see any hate, and we have not had to delete one thing yet. (YET) I hope you will read my note “Throwing it out there – by Kelly” (we republished it at the bullyoutreachproject.com site), as it outlines my ideas in an interesting, come on folks, get it together, kind of way.

http://bullyoutreachproject.com/ is our long term project. It involves direct contact with parents, teachers and students.

We’ve also written a program called No Such Thing as a Bully,a full comprehensive curriculum for schools to utilize in setting up a full school bullying intervention program. It includes levels of working with parents and students, utilizing your communities resources and the mindsets that do and do not work to combat bullying.

The program also includes a component for parents who are dealing with bullying but who have a school that doesn’t want to help. The curriculum includes activities for adults to learn skills in order to use them and to teach them to children. Does it save the kids whose parents aren’t interested in actively helping them? nope. will anything? But i believe we spend all this time sending children to “TELL SOMEONE” and then SOMEONE doesn’t have the foggiest idea what to do or say that will be helpful. The parent part of No Such Thing as a Bully also evaluates where to start. The best place is with your own child. We get all fired up about going to the school and blaming the school and we forget that every experience for a child is a learning experience….if we have the right stuff to give them.

Comprehensive curriculum meaning that it teaches things like…

• understanding conflict
• knowing when to say no
• knowing how to say no
• evaluating your own behavior
• understanding your own thinking
• understanding inaccurate thoughts
• problem solving
  …and in the high school program there is a complete mediation process to learn.

The levels, starting at elementary school build on one another. If a school wants the program but doesn’t have the manpower to facilitate it, it can be done by the parent. 150 bucks buys you the level, and gives you photocopying rights for the students in your school. The program contains background learning and lesson plans for the adults, and handouts for the kids. It’s discussion based. No videos, no fancy stuff. I want everyone to be able to afford it. (that’s not a sell…just that I’m trying to make people aware that this is achievable.)

Please feel free to join us in the Stake-Out and spread the word! Any links that people feel are helpful are welcome there, and we are seeking original writings to spread around on Nov 9, as well.

Pop on over to our Bully Outreach Project Site and check it out! We’re hosting a gathering of connections, supports and resources, and we want you to join in!!